From suarez-humor at wsuarez.com Mon Jun 28 19:54:47 2010 From: suarez-humor at wsuarez.com (Suarez Humor list) Date: Mon, 28 Jun 2010 19:54:47 -0400 Subject: [Suarez-Humor] June 28, 2010 Message-ID: You're An EXTREME Redneck When..... 1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night. 5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.' 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 9. Your junior prom offered day care. 10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. ' 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. NOW Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY. ZEN TEACHINGS 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just go away and leave me alone. 2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any. 3. No one is listening until you fart. 4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it. 11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree. 13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 14. Good judgment comes from bad experience... and most of that comes from bad judgment. 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse. 20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. CANNON BALLS!!! DID YOU KNOW THIS? It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys. Few landlubbers realise that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression? You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few intellectual friends. Quotes at dinner parties At every party there are two kinds of people -- those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. - Ann Landers Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host. - Fred Allen Never be the first to arrive at a party or the last to go home, and never, ever be both. - David Brown The dying process begins the minute we are born, but it accelerates during dinner parties. - Carol Matthau After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. - P.J. O'Rourke She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party - Groucho Marx Hear no evil, speak no evil - and you'll never be invited to a party. - Oscar Wilde Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than being there. - Franklin P. Jones A Doctor's Reading List under government run health care... 10. How To Turn a Lung Transplant Into a Vacation Home 9. Your Waiting Room's a Financial Bonanza: The Simple Use of Vending Machines & Pay-Per-View TV 8. All the Things that 9 out of 10 of Us Recommend 7. Chicken Scratch: How to Not Only Write it, But Speak It 6. There's Big Money in Second Opinions 5. "Cat Scans to Bed-Pans" -- The novel that finally puts some humor into diseases. 4. Bedside Jokes to Tell the Chronically Sick 3. Recurring Revenue: Getting Your Share of the Hypochondriac Market! 2. How to Convince a Patient That He or She Needs the Entire Battery Available Diagnostic Tests 1. 101 Places to Buy 6-Year-Old Magazines For Your Waiting Room Statements Of Recommendation For Employees... For the chronically absent: "A man like him is hard to find." "It seemed his career was just taking off." For the office drunk: "I feel his real talent is wasted here." "We generally found him loaded with work to do." For an employee with no ambition: "He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in." "You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you." "He consistently achieves the standards he sets for himself." For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled: "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job." For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate: "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment." "All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly." THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T 1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. 2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper. 3. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle'. 4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller. 6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. 7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. 8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino. 9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily. 10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister. 11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog. 12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode. 13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww). 14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine. 16 Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters. 17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence, multi-tasking was invented.) 18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. 20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before! 21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver! 22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. 23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. 24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white. 25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.) 26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.) 27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. 28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. 29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples. 30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying! 31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. 32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. 33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS. 34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America who is happy and willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail.'